“We’re getting married… but I’m not sure I’ve ever had great sex”

Sophie Blackman, our Editor-in-Chief, is answering another dating dilemma for her column, Dating Dilemmas with Soph. This week, she is answering whether you should get married or not if the sex is “average”.

One VavaViolet Magazine reader asked Sophie: “We’re getting married… but I’m not sure I’ve ever had great sex.

“Everything else is solid—friendship, trust, our future plans—but the sex has always been average. Is that enough?”

Sophie answered:

The biggest question isn’t “Is average sex enough?” It’s “Are we both happy to make our sex life better?”

If everything else is genuinely strong, having mediocre sex isn’t automatically a reason to walk away from a relationship. Sexual chemistry can change enormously with communication, experimentation, confidence, stress levels, familiarity, and simply learning what each other actually likes.

But I wouldn’t ignore it just because the wedding is approaching.

A few things I’d ask yourself:

• Is the sex merely predictable, or genuinely unsatisfying? There’s a difference between “we’ve fallen into a routine” and “I regularly leave sex feeling disappointed.”
• Have you actually told your partner what you want? They may have no idea you consider the sex average.
• Do you feel comfortable being sexually honest with them? That matters almost as much as the sex itself.
• Are you curious about each other? Great sex doesn’t necessarily mean acrobatics; it often means two people who are willing to listen, explore and adjust.
• If nothing changed for the next 20 years, how would you feel? That question is uncomfortable, but potentially very revealing.
• Are you wondering whether you’re missing out because you’ve never experienced great sex? If so, distinguish genuine dissatisfaction from the fantasy that there is some universally perfect sexual connection waiting elsewhere.

I’d have the conversation before the wedding, not as a dramatic “we need to reconsider everything” conversation, but as: “I love what we have, and I want our sex life to feel as good as the rest of our relationship. Can we talk honestly about what we both want?”

Then actually experiment. Take penetration off the table for a while, talk about fantasies, change the routine, slow things down, ask what feels good, try things neither of you normally initiates. If necessary, a qualified sex therapist can help couples have conversations that are surprisingly difficult to have alone.

And one important distinction: you don't need to have had mind-blowing sex with your partner to justify marrying them. But you should be able to honestly say that your sexual relationship is something you're both willing to nurture.

“Average forever” and “average right now, but we're willing to work on it” are two very different situations.

Written by VavaViolet Magazine's Founder and Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Blackman