It doesn't always take two: How to find women who aren't toxic

We’ve all heard the saying: It takes two to tango. When a friendship falls apart, the easy explanation is that both people must have played a part. Sometimes, that’s true. But sometimes, you’re simply dealing with someone who brings chaos wherever she goes — and recognising that doesn’t make you dramatic, difficult or incapable of self-reflection.

The word “toxic” gets thrown around so casually these days that it can lose its meaning. Not every disagreement is toxic. Not every woman who annoys you is toxic. Healthy friendships have misunderstandings, jealousy, bad days and awkward conversations. The difference is what happens next.

A good friend can take accountability. She can apologise without adding a twelve-point explanation about why everything was actually your fault. She celebrates your wins without turning them into competitions. She respects your boundaries rather than treating them as personal insults. And when something goes wrong, she wants to solve the problem — not win the argument.

So how do you find women like this?

Pay attention to how she treats people who can’t benefit her

Watch how she talks about her friends when they aren’t there. If everyone in her life is apparently jealous, obsessed, fake or “crazy”, eventually you have to wonder whether you’re simply next in line.

Notice how you feel after spending time together

Friendship shouldn’t require constant emotional recovery. You shouldn’t regularly leave conversations feeling guilty, insecure, exhausted, or like you’ve somehow failed an exam you didn’t know you were taking.

Look for consistency

Anyone can be charming for a few hours. Character reveals itself over time. Does she keep confidences? Does she respect a “no”? Does she support you when there’s nothing in it for her?

And perhaps most importantly, don’t confuse intensity with intimacy. The woman who wants to know everything about you immediately, declares you “best friends” after two nights out and demands constant access to your life may not be offering closeness. She may be offering a fast-track ticket to complicated.

Finding good women isn’t about searching for perfection. It’s about choosing relationships where respect goes both ways — and knowing that sometimes, despite your best efforts, it really doesn’t take two to create a toxic friendship.

Written by VavaViolet Magazine's Founder and Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Blackman