“He wants to film us during sex—and I don’t”

Sophie Blackman, our Editor-in-Chief, is answering another dating dilemma for her new column, Dating Dilemmas with Soph. This week, she is answering how to tell if you are being forced into filming sexual content in your relationship.

One VavaViolet Magazine reader asked Sophie: “He wants to film us during sex—and I don’t.

“He says it’s ‘normal now’. I feel pressured. Where’s the line between exploration and coercion?”

Sophie answered:

Where’s the line between exploration and coercion? The line is simple: consent must be freely given, not negotiated out of someone through pressure.

Wanting to film sex isn’t inherently wrong. For some couples, recording intimate moments can be a consensual part of their sex life. But both people have to genuinely want it. If one person says, “I don’t want to be filmed,” that should be the end of the conversation—not the beginning of a campaign to change their mind.

Saying something is “normal now” doesn’t make it something you have to do. Neither does being in a relationship, having agreed to other sexual things, or having previously been comfortable with intimate photos or videos.

Consent to one sexual activity isn’t consent to another, and consent can be withdrawn at any time.

Pressure is the important warning sign here. If “no” is met with sulking, repeated requests, guilt-tripping, comparisons to other couples, accusations that you’re prudish or boring, threats to leave, or suggestions that you owe your partner this, you’re no longer dealing with a simple difference in sexual preference.

You’re being pushed towards a “yes” you don’t freely want to give. Rape Crisis England & Wales specifically identifies pressure, manipulation, bullying and fear as things that can undermine genuine consent. There is also a crucial difference between exploration and coercion:

Exploration sounds like: “Would you ever be interested in this?”
Consent sounds like: “No? Okay, that’s completely fine.”
Coercion sounds like: “Everyone does it now. Why won’t you?”
A serious red flag is: “If you loved/trusted/wanted me, you would.”

And with filming, there is an additional layer: once an intimate recording exists, you have lost some control over where it might end up. In England and Wales, taking or recording an intimate image or film without the person’s consent, or a reasonable belief in their consent, is now a specific criminal offence under legislation introduced in 2026.

Sharing or threatening to share intimate images without consent can also constitute an offence. So if you don’t want to be filmed, you don’t need a better reason than “I don’t want to.” You don’t have to prove that your boundary is rational, modern, sexy enough or consistent with what other people do.

A healthy partner might be disappointed by your answer, but they should still respect it. They can have a preference; they cannot turn that preference into an obligation.

And if you find yourself agreeing because you’re afraid of what will happen if you don’t, rather than because you actually want to, that’s a very important distinction. A pressured yes is not the same thing as a freely chosen yes.

Written by VavaViolet Magazine's Founder and Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Blackman