People are often terrified of admitting their sexual fantasies out loud. Despite living in a culture that talks about sex constantly, many people still worry their private thoughts are “weird,” embarrassing, or somehow abnormal. But according to sex researchers, most fantasies are far more common than people realise.
In one of the largest studies ever conducted on sexual fantasies, social psychologist Dr Justin Lehmiller surveyed more than 4,000 Americans from a wide range of ages, genders, sexualities, and relationship types for his book Tell Me What You Want.
The results showed that people’s fantasies are surprisingly varied — but certain themes appeared again and again.
Here are the seven most common sexual fantasies, according to the research.
1. Multi-partner sex
This was one of the most commonly reported fantasies overall.
For some people, that meant fantasising about threesomes. For others, it involved larger group situations, partner-sharing, or scenarios involving multiple people at once.
Experts say these fantasies are often less about wanting dozens of real-life partners and more about novelty, excitement, attention, and sexual freedom.
Interestingly, many people who fantasise about group sex never actually want to try it in reality.
2. BDSM and power dynamics
Bondage, dominance, submission, spanking, restraint, and power exchange fantasies were incredibly common across genders.
Contrary to stereotypes, research suggests BDSM fantasies are not necessarily linked to trauma or dysfunction. Many psychologists believe they can reflect trust, vulnerability, control, escapism, or emotional intensity.
Popular fantasies included:
- Being dominated
- Taking control
- Light bondage
- Roleplay involving authority or submission
The enormous popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey arguably helped bring these fantasies into the mainstream.
3. Passion, romance, and emotional intimacy
Not all fantasies are “kinky.”
One of the most overlooked findings from fantasy research is how many people fantasise about emotional closeness, affection, romance, and feeling deeply desired.
For many participants, the fantasy was not just about sex itself — it was about:
- Feeling wanted
- Emotional intensity
- Deep connection
- Romantic attention
- Being fully desired by someone
Researchers say this challenges the stereotype that fantasies are always extreme or purely physical.
4. Novelty and adventure
A huge number of people fantasise about doing something “different.”
That could mean:
- Sex in unusual locations
- Spontaneous encounters
- Public settings
- Holiday flings
- Trying new experiences
- Breaking routine
Experts believe novelty fantasies often reflect the brain’s attraction to excitement and unpredictability.
It doesn’t necessarily mean someone is dissatisfied with their relationship — many people simply fantasise about situations that feel thrilling, risky, or outside everyday life.
5. Taboo or forbidden sex
Forbidden fantasies are extremely common, according to researchers.
These fantasies often revolve around the excitement of breaking social rules or doing something considered “off-limits.”
Examples included:
- Voyeurism
- Exhibitionism
- Fetishes
- Secret encounters
- Risky situations
Psychologists say taboo fantasies are often driven by the thrill of transgression rather than a genuine desire to harm or shock anyone.
In many cases, the fantasy itself is the point.
6. Open relationships and partner-sharing
Fantasies involving consensual non-monogamy appeared frequently in the study.
This included:
- Swinging
- Watching a partner with someone else
- Open relationships
- Polyamory
- Shared sexual experiences
Experts say these fantasies can stem from curiosity, novelty, compersion (enjoying a partner’s pleasure), or the excitement of breaking traditional relationship expectations.
Again, fantasising about something does not necessarily mean someone wants to pursue it in real life.
7. Gender-bending and same-sex fantasies
The research also found that many people fantasise about experiences outside traditional heterosexual roles.
These fantasies included:
- Same-sex experiences
- Gender role reversal
- Cross-dressing
- Exploring different identities
- Imagining sex as another gender
Researchers say fantasy can offer people a psychologically safe space to explore curiosity, identity, vulnerability, or experiences outside social expectations.
Importantly, experts stress that fantasies do not always directly reflect someone’s real-world identity or intentions.
What fantasies actually mean
One of the biggest misconceptions about sexual fantasies is that they reveal secret plans or hidden truths.
In reality, psychologists say fantasies are often symbolic, emotional, imaginative, or simply mentally stimulating.
Some people act on fantasies.
Others never want to.
And according to researchers, the sheer diversity of fantasies suggests one thing very clearly: most people are far less “normal” — and far less alone — than they think.
Written by VavaViolet Magazine's Founder and Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Blackman
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