“My boyfriend is a ‘Doberman’ in public… but cold in private”

Sophie Blackman, our Editor-in-Chief, is answering her first dating dilemma for her new column, Dating Dilemmas with Soph. This week, she is answering how to tell if a relationship is for a performance or not.

One VavaViolet Magazine asked Sophie: “My boyfriend is a ‘Doberman’ in public… but cold in private.

“He’s protective, attentive, and obsessed with me around others—but when we’re alone, he barely touches me.

“Am I dating a performance?”

Soph’s answer

That doesn’t sound like a “Doberman.” It sounds like a split persona—and you’re right to question it. A Doberman is very affectionate to its owner, much like the breed, men with a Doberman personality are usually more touchy when alone.

What you’re describing is someone who performs intensity and devotion in public, but withdraws intimacy in private.

Those two sides don’t balance each other out—they contradict each other. Real closeness shows up most when there’s no audience.

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A few grounded possibilities (not excuses):

• He may care a lot about how the relationship looks to others—status, image, control.
• He could be uncomfortable with real vulnerability or physical/emotional intimacy when it’s not performative.
• There might be a mismatched need: you’re reading public affection as genuine closeness, while he sees it as enough.
• Or he’s simply not as emotionally invested as his public behaviour suggests.

The key question isn’t “what is he?”—it’s: what are you actually receiving when it matters?

A relationship that feels warm in public but empty in private can leave you feeling confused, even a bit invisible. And that confusion is a signal, not something to override.

If you want clarity, don’t analyse the public version of him—focus on patterns when it’s just the two of you:

• Does he initiate closeness?
• Does he respond when you do?
• Does he avoid, deflect, or shut down?

You don’t need to accuse him of “performing.” But you can be direct about your experience:

“I notice you’re very affectionate around others, but when we’re alone, I feel distance between us. I need more closeness privately—what’s going on for you?”

His response will tell you more than his public behaviour ever will.

If nothing changes after you’ve clearly expressed your needs, then yes—you’re not dating the version of him you actually need.

Written by VavaViolet Magazine’s Founder and Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Blackman.