Sophie Blackman, our Editor-in-Chief, is answering her sixth dating dilemma for her new column, Dating Dilemmas with Soph. This week, she is answering the question of when you should and shouldn't give up on a casual relationship.
One VavaViolet Magazine reader asked Sophie: “We’ve been ‘casual’ for a year… and I’m in love.
Soph answered:
A year is a long time to stay emotionally neutral with someone you consistently choose. If you’re in love, the situation has already changed internally — even if the agreement never did.
“Playing cool” usually works only when your feelings are still flexible. Once you’re attached, staying silent often turns into:
- hoping they’ll magically realise it,
- analyzing every text,
- acting casual while feeling increasingly hurt,
- and delaying an answer you already need.
That doesn’t automatically mean you should make a huge declaration tomorrow. But it probably does mean you owe yourself honesty.
A useful question is:
If nothing changed for the next six months, would this still feel good to you?
If the answer is no, then silence is already costing you something.
There’s also a difference between:
- risking vulnerability, and
- trying to force a relationship.
You don’t need to deliver a movie speech. You can simply tell the truth clearly and calmly:
“I know we agreed to keep this casual, but my feelings changed. I don’t really want to pretend they haven’t. I’d like to know if you see this becoming something more.”
That gives them room to answer honestly, too.
Possible outcomes:
- They feel the same → great.
- They’re unsure → you get clarity instead of ambiguity.
- They don’t want more → painful, but important information.
The hardest version is usually the fourth outcome: continuing casually while secretly wanting commitment and hoping they eventually change their mind.
You don’t have to “play cool” to deserve connection.
Written by VavaViolet Magazine's Founder and Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Blackman
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