“We opened our relationship—and I hate it”

Sophie Blackman, our Editor-in-Chief, is answering another dating dilemma for her column, Dating Dilemmas with Soph. This week, she is answering whether you can close a relationship after opening it up for others to join.

One VavaViolet Magazine reader asked Sophie: “We opened our relationship—and I hate it.

"It was my idea, but now they’re thriving, and I’m spiralling. Can you close Pandora’s box?"

Sophie answered:

First: you haven't failed because you discovered that something doesn't work for you.

There's a strange expectation that if you suggested opening the relationship, you're somehow no longer allowed to change your mind. That's nonsense.

Consent isn't a lifetime contract. You can reconsider an arrangement when you discover what it actually feels like rather than what you imagined it would feel like.

And there is a particularly nasty emotional twist here: you may have imagined yourself enjoying freedom while never anticipating what it would feel like to watch your partner experience that freedom.

Jealousy doesn't necessarily mean you're possessive or that you've made the wrong decision. It can be information. Perhaps you're discovering that you want a different relationship structure, more reassurance, different boundaries — or simply exclusivity.

The important thing is to tell your partner before resentment starts doing the talking for you.

Don't frame it as, “You have to stop because I can't cope.” Instead, explain what has changed for you.

Try something like: “I genuinely thought I would be comfortable with this, but experiencing it has made me realise I'm struggling. I don't want to punish you for enjoying it, but I need us to talk about whether this arrangement still works for both of us.”

Then listen to their side, too.

Closing the relationship may be possible, but it isn't something one person can unilaterally impose without consequences. Your partner is allowed to discover that they enjoy non-monogamy, just as you're allowed to discover that you don't.

That means the next conversation isn't necessarily “How do we make them stop?”

It's “What relationship do we both genuinely want now?”

You may decide to return to monogamy. You may negotiate a pause while you work through your feelings. You may discover that certain boundaries need changing. Or you may realise that you've both changed in different directions.

Pandora's box might not literally close the way it opened.

But you can absolutely stop pretending you're happy with what's inside it.

And honestly? I'd rather hear an uncomfortable truth from a partner than watch them silently spiral while pretending they're fine.

By VavaViolet Magazine's Founder and Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Blackman