“I faked it for months—now I don’t know how to stop”

Sophie Blackman, our Editor-in-Chief, is answering another dating dilemma for her new column, Dating Dilemmas with Soph. This week, she is answering how to stop faking orgasms and actually start having good sex.

One VavaViolet Magazine reader asked Sophie: “I faked it for months—now I don’t know how to stop.

“I wanted to protect his ego, but now I’m stuck in a lie. How do I fix our sex life without destroying his confidence?”

Sophie answered:

First: breathe.

You aren't the first person to fake an orgasm, and you haven't permanently ruined your sex life. What happened is that you found a short-term way of avoiding an uncomfortable conversation—and unfortunately, that solution has now created a bigger conversation.

The good news is that this can be repaired.

The goal isn't to confess in a way that leaves your partner feeling humiliated. It's to turn the situation from “I've been deceiving you” into “We've learned something important about how we need to communicate.”

Don't Make His Ego the Centre of the Conversation

Your instinct was understandable. You wanted to protect his feelings.

But your pleasure isn't a performance review of his masculinity.

If he interprets your orgasm as proof that he's sexually successful, you've both ended up with a system where his confidence depends on you producing a particular response.

That's a lot of pressure for both of you.

Good sex isn't about proving that one person is brilliant in bed. It's about two people being curious about what feels good.

You Don't Need a Dramatic “Confession”

You don't have to announce it like you've been concealing a second family.

Choose a calm moment outside the bedroom and tell him that you need to change the way you've been communicating about sex.

Something like:

“I need to tell you something because I want our sex life to be more honest. I've sometimes pretended to orgasm because I was worried about hurting your feelings. I realise now that wasn't fair to either of us. It's not because I'm not attracted to you. I want us to figure out what actually feels good for me together.”

The important part is what comes next.

Don't simply tell him what hasn't worked.

Tell him what you'd like to explore instead.

Reassure Him Without Lying Again

He may feel embarrassed.

He may wonder how long you've been pretending. He may ask whether you enjoy sex with him at all.

Answer honestly—but don't turn the conversation into a list of everything he has ever done wrong.

You can distinguish between attraction, enjoyment and orgasm.

You might genuinely enjoy being intimate with him while rarely or never reaching orgasm from a particular kind of stimulation.

That's normal.

And an orgasm isn't the only measurement of pleasurable sex.

The reassurance he needs isn't necessarily “You've always been amazing.”

It's something more truthful:

“I want you. I enjoy being close to you. And I want us to learn what works for my body.”

That is much more useful.

Stop Performing Immediately

This may be the hardest part.

Once you've started faking, it can become automatic. You know what reaction will reassure him, so your body slips into the familiar performance.

Try to retire the performance completely.

If something feels good, say so.

If it doesn't, gently redirect.

If you aren't close to orgasm, don't pretend you are.

And if you simply want to enjoy the experience without an orgasm being the objective, say that too.

You're allowed to have sex without producing a particular ending.

Give Him Instructions

Your partner may initially feel as though you've handed him a map with all the roads labelled wrong.

Don't leave him there.

Tell him what you like.

Be specific.

Instead of “Do it differently,” try “That feels good—stay there,” or “I prefer it when you do X more slowly.”

If you know what reliably helps you orgasm, explain it. If you don't know yet, that's completely fine too.

Exploration is not a failure.

You can learn together.

Take the Pressure Off Orgasms

Ironically, making orgasm the mission can make orgasm harder.

Once both of you are thinking:

Is it happening?

Is he doing it right?

Why isn't it happening yet?

Does he think I'm enjoying this?

…you're no longer simply experiencing the moment.

Try making pleasure the goal rather than orgasm.

Kiss longer. Slow things down. Experiment. Laugh. Take breaks. Discover what you enjoy without requiring the encounter to culminate in a particular outcome.

Sex isn't an exam.

There is no pass mark.

Let Him Have Feelings

You can be honest without being responsible for managing every emotion he experiences afterward.

He might feel hurt.

That doesn't mean you have done something unforgivable.

He might need time to process the fact that the story he believed about your sex life wasn't completely accurate.

Give him that space—but don't allow his disappointment to become punishment.

You don't owe him continued pretending simply because honesty makes him uncomfortable.

In fact, if the relationship is healthy, this conversation can ultimately make intimacy safer for both of you.

And If He Takes It Badly?

There's a significant difference between “I'm hurt and embarrassed because I wish you'd told me sooner” and “How dare you say what feels good to you.”

The first is understandable.

The second is a problem.

A partner who cares about your pleasure may initially have an ego bruise, but ultimately should want accurate information about your body.

If he responds by pressuring you to orgasm, blaming you, becoming angry whenever you give feedback, or insisting that his confidence is more important than your honesty, then the issue is no longer simply about technique.

It's about whether your sexual needs are allowed to exist in the relationship.

The Secret You've Been Protecting Him From Wasn't Really About Him

You thought you were protecting his ego.

But you were also protecting yourself from an uncomfortable conversation.

That's human.

Maybe you feared disappointing him. Maybe you didn't know how to explain what you wanted. Maybe you worried he'd interpret your lack of orgasm as rejection.

Now you know where that strategy leads.

So don't punish yourself.

Use the experience as information.

You have discovered that you need a relationship where you can say, “That's not quite working for me,” without fearing that you've destroyed someone's confidence.

And he deserves the opportunity to become the partner who can hear that.

The New Rule

From now on, replace performance with communication.

Don't fake pleasure to protect him.

Don't criticise him to punish him.

Don't treat orgasm as evidence of his worth—or its absence as evidence of yours.

Instead, make the bedroom a place where both of you can say:

“More of that.”

“Less of that.”

“Try this.”

“I'm not sure yet.”

“Can we slow down?”

“That feels wonderful.”

And sometimes:

“Tonight, I just want to enjoy being close to you.”

You haven't destroyed your sex life.

You've reached the point where the old version of it isn't working anymore.

That can be uncomfortable.

But it can also be the beginning of something much better: sex where neither of you has to perform.

Written by VavaViolet Magazine's Founder and Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Blackman