Thursday, 31 July 2025

Psychosis injured my brain and tore my relationships apart | Editor's Letter


Psychosis was the most frightening thing to ever happen to me and those close to me. It tore at my mind, injuring it significantly and leaving my relationships in tatters, leaving me in the hospital for months with hallucinations for company.

Before we delve into my experience, let me explain what exactly experiencing psychosis means. Psychosis is a mental state where a person loses touch with reality, experiencing hallucinations and delusions. It's not a disease itself, but a symptom of various mental health conditions like schizophreniabipolar disorder, and severe depression. Psychotic episodes can be frightening and distressing, but with proper treatment and support, many individuals recover.


It was summer 2024, and to me, everything was normal. The world has always seemed magical to me and my creative imagination. You could say I looked at the world through a Harry Potter-like lens. For example, I have always considered magpies to be lucky. It's due to this personal POV that I didn't realise I was experiencing delusions and hallucinations, which wasn't until a doctor explained it to me after spending months in a mental hospital.


My hallucinations were the scariest part, as I fully believed in them and the delusions. For example, I thought God had killed off my entire family if they didn't answer my messages immediately. The grief would hit me every single time like a knife to the chest. I also considered myself a God-like figure and thought I had magical powers. I could have jumped off a roof and been under the impression I would fly.


Of course, I would have dropped to my death. It is for that reason that locking me up in a mental health facility was the safest place for me, even though I couldn't see its reasoning at the time. I saw the staff in a weird lens, too; the delusions led me to believe they were aliens keeping me away from the world and experimenting on me anytime they tried to help me with medication and care. For the first month, I wouldn't let them anywhere near me without screaming for help.


The hallucinations led me to ponder the fact that my life had ended, and I was, in fact, dead and in hell. After a few weeks, I began to enjoy the experience, albeit rather sickeningly. However, I don't want to glamorise psychosis as looking back with a clearer mind, it was terrifying, and I'm lucky I didn't come to harm. Saying this, the God-like confidence was magnificent, and the path my imagination took me down thrilled the writer in me. I started to lap up hell, bathing in the hallucinations as if it was the best thing that ever happened to me, as I fell in love with the chaos. For this reason, it took being pinned down and injected with medication for me to get better.


It was a scary encounter, especially as I was hallucinating at the time of being injected and saw the staff as aliens holding me against my will. I imagined all sorts, such as the devil itself standing in the corner of the room, laughing at me.


My family and friends tried to visit me in the hospital, but I wasn't Sophie at all. A sinister woman took over, and all I could think about was death and destruction. It tore at my relationships, leaving them in tatters as my loved ones found the encounters more frightening than I did. It got to the point where I only let my parents visit, as I started to realise that something was off with me, and I was scaring people around me.


After being forced to take medication (antipsychotics), I began to get better, and the delusions and hallucinations eased. To this day, a year later, I still experience the odd mental breakdown in the form of an anxiety attack. During these times, I see people around me as aliens or magical beings, but this time it's even more frightening because my mind starts to blur reality. I also experience intrusive voices and can hear a man telling me what to do, often violent acts towards others, which, of course, I never carry out as I'm well enough to know the voice is intrusive.


Being so mentally ill is draining to me and those closest to me, as I often have to cancel going out due to an anxiety attack. The attacks began just mentally, but have manifested into full-on chest pains and struggling to breathe. Before psychosis, I had never experienced anxiety, so suddenly suffering with it so badly has taken its toll on my brain.


I have even asked my doctor to refer me for a brain scan, as I am so worried about the damage, as my psychosis was drug-induced. I thought I was just smoking marijuana, but after undergoing tests at the hospital, I was informed I had Meth in my system, which could have only got into me via sharing joints or picking up a bad batch.


While my brain is still injured, and I'm still on strong medication, my relationships have all repaired themselves, and I'm making progress day by day. I no longer experience hallucinations and delusions every single day, and instead have them one to two days a week.


It is due to my psychosis that VavaViolet Magazine has been left unattended for so long, as the depression that came after the encounter wiped me out of motivation. It's only in the last week that it has come back with full force.


From now on, the magazine will continue with its regular updates. We've also launched a new Instagram account (@vavavioletmagazine) since the social media giant deleted our old one. Please follow us there.


To anyone reading this suffering from psychosis, I promise it gets better if you seek support from others, the professionals and take the medication prescribed to you. The brain is mighty and knows how to rewire. To those dealing with a loved one experiencing it, know that taking a break is okay and, in fact, relatively healthy.


Written by VavaViolet Magazine's Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Blackman.



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